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<Insert Joel-type MST3K theme here.>
"Heh heh heh! Oh, that's great! She's going to make him wear a Sailor
fuku?" Crow, hunched over the computer, couldn't stop chuckling. Suddenly
he felt a presence behind him. "What, what, what?" he asked, spinning around.
Joel and Tom, behind him, just shrugged.
"Crow, what are you doing?" Joel asked. "You've been sitting at that
computer, laughing evilly, for over an hour now."
"Yeah, it can't take THAT long for you to check your newsgroups," Tom
added.
"Well, you know that weird energy storm we had last night? Ever since,
we've been getting these posts on our newsreader. Something about the 'Otaku
Wars.' Sailor Moon fans are writing these really hilarious stories about
fighting over which Senshi is the best."
Joel looked more closely at the screen. "Crow, there's more than a
thousand of these!"
"Yeah, and I just started. Isn't it great?"
Suddenly a light flashed, and the Magic Voice suddenly spoke. "There
is an intruder in the satellite."
Joel and the bots looked at each other in confusion. "But how could
anybody get onto the Satellite of Love?" Tom asked. "There's certainly
no way OFF!"
As if to answer his question, a girl in a very strange fuku walked
in. The fuku was green, with a strange golden brooch in the bow and green
triangles on the gloves. Her green cowboy boots had white triangles of
a similar shape.
"Wow!" Crow cried. "Who are you?"
"And how did you get on this ship?" Joel added.
"I am Sailor Psyche, champion of Love, Justice, and Sentai teams everywhere!"
she declared. "I was trying to teleport to the DCBFH3, but I missed," she
added sheepishly. "Shouldn't have taken that right turn at Albuquerque."
Joel and the bots were astonished to find that they had developed the ability
to sweatdrop.
"Are you from after the dub ends?" Crow asked.
"Not exactly." Before Psyche could explain who she was, a yellow light
began to flash.
"We'll talk about it later, guys," Joel sighed. "Zoicite and Malachite
are calling." He pressed the button that allowed communication with Deep
13.
"So, my little Moonatics," Dr. Clayton Forrester sneered, "I hope you're-
hey! Who's she?"
Psyche, rather than explain, simply sent him a copy of her Writer's
Guide. Dr. F perused it for a second, then shrugged. "Well, how fitting
that you have an Otaku Warrior on the ship. Your experiment today is a
little piece of 'heaven' by Andrew Nelson entitled 'No Need for Possibilities.'
This one should have you down on your knees by the end of the post! BWHAHAHAHAHA!"
Joel and the bots sweatdropped, and a SD-Evil Professor Chronos popped
up and gave Dr. F a 9.5.
"What? Hmph, I'll just have to practice more. Send them the post, Frank."
"Yes, sir." TV's Frank replied. Psyche turned to Joel.
"Does this happen a lot?"
"You have no idea." Suddenly lights flashed and alarms began to blare
around them.
"AUGHH! WE'VE GOT OW! SIGN!" Quickly, they made their way into the
theater.
------------------------------------Insert door sequence here------------------------------------
Sorry, folks, no "Previously on OW!" today. Instead, we're gonna jump
right into the story. Yay!
-----
JOEL: So we'll have no earthly idea what comes before or after this
post?
PSYCHE: This is the Otaku Wars. Continuity is a myth.
...
...
...
... seven kanji...
CROW: Each representing a different sin.
...bright light...
TOM: Big city.
...a transformation...
JOEL: Is it just me, or does he really like ellipses?
..."power to end this war"...
TOM: I'd settle for the power to end this post.
...less than an hour...
...friends...enemies...together...
CROW: Cats and dogs, living together- mass hysteria!
...a party room...no...a war room...
PSYCHE: Gentlemen, you can't fight here! This is the war room!
...a circle...spectrums, auras of energy...
JOEL: Oh, it's a Magic: TG tournament!
..."a cataclysmic battle"...
..."the final strike"...
TOM: Oh, Jackie Chan has a new movie!
...a forcefield...
..."effort...useless"...
...a brilliant flash of light...
...then silence...
PSYCHE: The rest is silence.
JOEL: We can only wish.
...silence...
..."power to end this war"...
..."power...to end...this war"...
TOM: Power... to talk... like Shatner.
----
Andrew wakes up in a cold sweat.
CROW: I'm not touching that one.
JOEL: Thank you.
"What... what the hell was that?!" He's sitting on his bed, in his room
aboard SOL-2. "C-Computer?"
"Yes, Andrew?" responds the computer's voice [*1].
PSYCHE: Yes, Dave?
"What...is the probability ...that the Wars will end soon in a cataclysmic,
end-all battle between forces, with any resistance being ultimately futile?"
CROW: Resistance is Futile!
TOM: Surrender to Microsoft!
"The probability of the Wars ending within the next few months, in the
method described, is 0.0000015%..."
TOM: Never tell me the odds.
Andrew sighs in relief and heads for the door.
"...that is, unless Otaku no Miko finds his seven Otaku Seishi, at
which point the probability is 99.999%"
JOEL: Wait a minute! Otaku no Miko's a GUY?
PSYCHE: Yeah, Ultrace. Why?
JOEL: Mikos are traditionally FEMALE! GIRLS who intercede between Gods
and men!
CROW&TOM: Fanboy.
PSYCHE: Sit down, Joel, and don't try to make sense of the Wars. Your
head might explode.
He facefaults midway out. "And...and what are the chances that I will
have anything to do with ending the Wars?"
"Unknown..."
"Hmm..."
TOM: I'm getting tired of those stupid things.
----
On SOL-2's Observation Deck...
TOM: What the HEY?
CROW: What sick mind would make ANOTHER one?
Andrew stands, staring out the huge windows that overlook the Battlefield,
deep in thought. Let's listen...
JOEL: Let's not.
"What's with this 'Otaku no Miko' guy? Is he _really_ a threat? Could
he _really_ end the Wars? And what about this dream? Heh, guess I've been
working with temporal destabilization too much recently. But, is it really
what's going to happen? Or just one _possible_ future?
PSYCHE: Are these the shadows of things that will be, or of things
that might be only? <All look at her.> Philistines.
Too many questions... But, it looks like Mike might actually have a
chance... Hmm, maybe I should try to find him... Maybe help... End the
Wars? So soon? Could it _really_ be possible?"
"AAARRRGGGHHH!" he screams out loud. "This is getting me NOWHERE!!!
There's too many "possibilities!_"
TOM: I might have to think!
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
*THUD*
A motionless figure lies, face down, next to Andrew, where it fell
from the ceiling. Andrew squats down and pokes at it. "Hello? Are you all
right?"
CROW: God, tell me it's not Reenie.
PSYCHE: No, she's already here.
CROW: AHHHHH!
PSYCHE: You're a member of Project CURE, aren't you?
The figure slowly stands up, brushes itself off, and looks straight
at Andrew. The figure, as we can now see, is exactly the same height as
Andrew, has exactly the same haircut, and pretty much, the same clothes
(minus the jacket.) Why, it's me! The Author!
TOM: OH no.
PSYCHE: The Author does not exist! <She is promptly nailed by a
flying Abahome plushie.> Ohh, kawaii! Ursa's next birthday present!
"Andrew?! What are you doing here?!"
"Well, everyone's Authors seem to be showing up recently, so I thought
I'D make an appearance."
JOEL: If everybody else jumped off a tall building, would you do it
too?
CROW: I hope so.
"Look, now that you're here-"
"Beautiful, ain't it?"
"Huh? What's beautiful?"
RL-Andrew points to where he's staring, which is the planet below,
taking up half the view from the window. The other half is occupied by
empty space, the Moon, the Null Moon, and various Spaceships. Unbeknownst
to Andrew,
TOM: But knownst to us,
However, is the fact that two of the Spaceships appear to be getting...closer...
PSYCHE: Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch.
TOM: Niagara Falls!
"Yeah, I guess it is quite a sight to see... Pretty breathtaking...
But, listen, I've got to talk to you about something-"
"Hey, check this out!" RL-Andrew pulls out his copy of Mixxine and
hands it to Andrew.
"Oh, finally got yours, huh?" He flips through it for a few moments,
then hands it back to RL-Andrew. "But, listen, I just had a dream, and-"
CROW: I had a dream!
"Oh yeah! One more thing! Check THIS out!" RL-Andrew holds up the first
four tapes in the Tenchi Universe series (quite proudly) and grins widely.
"Look, that's great and all, but WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME!?!?!"
"Okay, okay, geez..." He sighs, as if he knows what's coming. "What
is it?"
"I want you to tell me exactly what's going to happen with this whole
'Otaku no Miko' thing! And what about that dream I had?"
"Dream? What dream? Whatever are you talking about?"
"You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about! You wrote this post!!!"
TOM: It was revealed today, in an international scandal, that Andrew
Nelson has a sick, obsessive relationship with punctuation marks, especially
exclamation points and ellipses.
"Look, I really don't know why you're screaming so much..."
"Of course you do!!!" He pulls out his gun and aims it right at RL-Andrew's
face.
TOM: Hey, if he shoots the author, the post will end, right?
ALL: Go on, go for it!
"Er... okay, look, I DO know what's going to happen...and I DO know
about that dream..."
"That's more like it. Just tell me what's going to happen..." "I'm
sorry, I can't. It's a rule. Authors can't interfere."
JOEL: Oh, kind of like the Prime Directive?
CROW: Trekkie.
"But you're HERE!!! Isn't _that_ interfering?!"
"Well, not technically. Besides, we _are_ allowed to interfere slightly...
within limits..."
TOM: I can't make anybody fall in love with anybody else, and I can't
bring people back from the dead.
"Okay. Then... just tell me what in the world did that dream _mean_?"
PSYCHE: Well, water signifies sexual urges, and the horse...
RL-Andrew begins to disappear. "Sorry, looks like I've overstayed my
welcome. But remember... there are many possibilities for what will happen
in the future... and also remember... dreams CAN be misinterpreted! Oh,
yeah, and you're about to have some trouble."
"Wait!" But, it's too late. RL-Andrew's already diappered.
TOM: Man, isn't he toilet trained yet?
"Aw, crap. Why does he have to be so _cryptic_? Again with the 'possibilities'!
CROW: I believe in extreme possibilities!
JOEL: Like what?
CROW: Like Mulder and Scully FINALLY-
PSYCHE: Crow, don't make me feed you to my bookbag.
And what does he mean... 'trouble'? Ah, well..." He begins to walk off
the Observation Deck.
*Clang* *Clang* *Clang*
"What the?!" Andrew looks around for the source of the noise.
PSYCHE: He's investigating the mysterious noise?
TOM: He's dead.
CROW: If it's only the cat, I'm outta here.
*Clang-Clang-Clang*
TOM: <Singing> Chitty-chitty Bang-bang, we love you. <TOM is
suddenly hit by a plushie that looks a lot like Fred MacMurray.>
JOEL: What was that?
PSYCHE: Gratuitous Reference Plushie. Looks like I'm contagious.
"Huh?" It appears to be coming from a closet to the side of the Deck.
Andrew creeps over and slowly reaches for the keypad. The door whisks open
and out tumbles...Crow!
ALL: WHAT?
CROW: <Kevin Costner> I have a brother!
"Crow?!"
"Andrew? Well, IT'S ABOUT TIME!!! I've been locked up in this closet
for... WHO KNOWS how long!!!"
"Look, I'm sorry..."
"Yeah, whatever..." Crow mumbles as he heads out the door and to another
part of the ship. Andrew shrugs and leaves too.
JOEL: What a glowingly described exit!
----
Later, in the deepest part of SOL-2, inside Andrew's personal laboratory
[*2]...
Andrew is sitting at a very large computer, typing rapidly. 'Gotta
find out what's going to happen!!!' The screen on the computer flashes
the word "Unknown." "ARGH!" He begins typing again. A few moments later,
the screen flashes "Unknown" again. "NO!!!" He pounds his fists on the
computer. "There's just too many POSSIBILITIES!!! Okay, look, I just need
to work on something... Get my mind off of this... off of... the possibilities..."
Walking over to a table, he picks up a small device and begins messing
around with it.
JOEL: Crow, don't even think about it.
CROW: You never let me have any fun.
----
A few hours later...
Andrew stands back to admire his work. "Yes! It works! HAHA!! I AM
SUCH A GENIUS!!!"
Two small Andrew-puppets (labeled 'A' and 'B') pop up on Andrew's shoulders.
"Andrew, you're a genius!!!"
"Andrew, you're the greatest!!!"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" [*3]
CROW: You know, no one who hasn't seen Tenchi Muyo is going to get
any of this.
PSYCHE: You're lucky. This is one of the clearer posts.
Suddenly, something jars the ship,
TOM: <Car computer> Your ship is ajar. Your ship is ajar.
sending the two puppets flying off Andrew's shoulders and sending Andrew
sliding across the room. "What the-?! Computer, bring up outside view on
all monitors! What the hell just happened?!" About a thousand large monitors
light up around upper parts of the room, each one depicting a different
view of the outside of the ship. "Computer, enlarge Sector 79!" A large
section of monitors change to show an enlarged image of 'Sector 79'. And,
sure enough, the USS Baal has opened fire on SOL-2, deactivation it's shields,
CROW: Boy, now he's really SOL!
PSYCHE: Crow, I have duct tape in my bag.
"Unauthorized teleportation into Aft Cargo Hold!"
"We have an Aft Cargo Hold?" Andrew asks, bewildered, when, out of
nowhere, the ship lurches again, this time more violently, sending Andrew
soaring across the room and into a wall. "What's going on?!" He looks up
to the monitors again. "Enlarge Sector 42! And, in 'Sector 42' is the Io,
now transformed, which has just hit SOL-2 across the side. "Computer! Patch
communications and visual through to the Io! NOW!!!" Every monitor in the
room changes to show Cape-Mike's face.
JOEL: Cape-Mike?
TOM: It could be worse.
PSYCHE: Yeah, he wanted to be called Avatar.
"Oh, hi Andrew!"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!"
"Well, I thought your ship was overrun by the SD's?"
"No, it's not 'overrun by the SD's'! That was resolved LONG ago!!!"
"Guess again, buddy..." comes a voice from seemingly nowhere.
"Uh-oh..." Andrew sweatdrops. Half of the monitors switch to the Bridge
of the SOL-2, where the SD-Neutralians are standing... in control... and
grinning evilly...
"You thought you were rid of us, didn't you? Well, we're not going
down _that_ easily!"
CROW: Just when you thought it was safe to beat up on the Super-Deformed.
TBC?
Next time, on Otaku Wars!:
[The narrator sounds an awful lot like Tenchi Masaki...]
TOM: Does that mean we don't need him?
What's to become of the Neutralians now that the SD's are in control
of SOL-2? A formidable strike force has gathered to reclaim the ship, but
will it be enough? Will Crow be thrown into a closet again and forgotten?
CROW: You mean I- or he- was thrown into a closet by a bunch of little
guys who can barely look me in the nose? How humiliating!
Or will the SD's be thwarted in their takeover plans, before causing
any real damage? And what about Otaku no Miko? Will the Plotline continue?
And will Andrew ever wade through the 'possibilities' and decide to help...
or hinder?
ALL: Who cares?
The answers for these questions and more will be revealed in the next exciting portion of our story, "No Need for SD's!"
"It's unquestionably action-packed!"
PSYCHE: They're magically delicious!
<All leave theater.>
Dr. Forrester smiled evilly at the passengers on the Satellite. "So,
feel ready to beg for mercy yet?"
The four looked at each other. "Not really," Joel replied. "It wasn't
that bad, actually."
"I mean, sure, the title should have been 'No Need for Ellipses,' and
there were way too many punctuation marks, but that was bearable," Tom
added.
"Yeah, Dr. F. You've sent us much worse that that. It actually had
a plot!" finished Crow.
Psyche pointed her sword at the monitor. "I've lived through Omnipotent
Newbie posts, little man. I can survive anything you can throw at me."
"Well, that's good, because you're not leaving," he chuckled evilly.
"You're in the real world now, and your little Sailor tricks won't work."
Psyche shook her head, wearing a smile that chilled even Forrester's
blood. "Actually, I've been thinking about that. I came onto your satellite
with a messed-up teleportation and a bad Bugs Bunny reference. That would
never have worked in the real world."
Forrester's face fell, and a pounding noise began in the background.
"What- are you saying?"
"I think that energy storm Joel told me about had some- rather unexpected
effects."
Dr. Forrester looked over his shoulder to where Frank was holding the
lab door shut. Slowly the sounds outside the door began to resolve themselves
into recognizable voices.
"Open up in the name of Rei-chan!"
"By Mako-chan, I'll MAIM you!"
"Break stuff, break stuff!"
"Bob Dole wants some waffle batter!"
"I am SO a threat!"
Psyche smiled predatorily. "Dr. Clayton Forrester, TV's Frank- welcome
to Otaku World."
"NOOOOO!" Dr. Forrester cried. In a panic, he reached out and hit the
button, turning off the post.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This post MiSTed by Ellen Brand, with Andrew Nelson's permission. MST3K
belongs to Best Brains, not me. This was intended to be all in good fun,
and no nastiness was meant. The use of Bob Dole and Jason Bramlett was
in no way intended to screw up continuity. If anybody else wants to write
Ep. 2, go ahead, but I'll be hanging around the satellite for a while.
If anyone wants me to MiST a post of theirs, e-mail me at tbrand@wvu.edu.
Or, just let me know how you liked the post.