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[OW!R] Wedding bells for CM and SIB. FINALLY....
Cape-Mike paced around the little 'room' that had been set up for him
for about the millionth time. "Awwwww, come ON guys! Let me OUT already!"
CROW: I promise, I'll never maim anyone again!
"You're going to see Ice Blade aren't you?" the Timekeeper asked as
he poked his head in the door.
JOEL: The Timekeeper?
TOM: And he crosses the finish in under three minutes! A new record!
"Well..."
"Sorry. Then I can't let you out. It's bad luck to see the bride before
the wedding, you know that."
PSYCHE: Might scare off the groom
"Oh for the love of..."
"Hey now. Children could be reading this post."
Outside, people were starting to take their seats. More than just a
few of them were grumbling about the 'no weapons' policy that had been
instituted.
CROW: Oh, they're from South Central LA!
TOM: No blades, no bows, leave your weapons here.
Rubious and the other members of the OSDF were the first to arrive,
surprisingly. And even more surprisingly they all took seats in the front
row. Sailor Ursa said something to the others that made them all start
to laugh.
CROW: He's a she!
JOEL: Crow, behave.
"Hey guys," said Neo Sailor Khryon as she wandered over. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing," Wendy and Jeddite said in stereo as they both developed halos.
Chibi-Rooks was there too, still in his lime-green suit, with Raven
in tow.
TOM: Pea soup green is my favorite color.
CROW: I have a tuxedo that color.
PSYCHE: That's one of the reasons you're such a lonely man, Ray.
JOEL: Ladies and gentlemen, the _Real Ghostbusters_ sketch.
Every once in a while he would mumble something about Chibi-Cape-Mike
or Chibi-Ice-Blade and shudder violently[1].
TOM: What's all this 'Chibi' stuff?
PSYCHE: It means little versions of a character. It happens to people
in the Wars WAY too often.
"What's wrong boss?"
"Chibi CM is what's wrong!" *shudder*
"Arrr! Let's be gettin' this over with! Arrr! Me and me crew be wantin'
the free Pixi Stix at the reception!"
JOEL: You know, this would make a lot more sense if we knew who was
actually SPEAKING!
"P'kow!" Pook! ran in with a sign that said 'TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT!!'.
"What ye be talkin' about ye scurvy landlubber? Don't make me and me
crew keelhaul ye'!"
ALL: <Make vomiting noises.>
"Pook!" she yelled as she smashed the sign over Jason... er... Cap'n Blood's head. "Pounce!"
"Arrr!"
"Bit!"
CROW: That made no sense.
PSYCHE: That's par for the course when it involves Jason Bramlett.
Shilari, at least everyone ASSUMED it was Shilari, was wandering around
with a censored bar over her face.
TOM: Oh my god! It's an episode of COPS!
PSYCHE & CROW: <singing> Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
The sidekicks had all banded together and were having a conversation
of to the side. "Bob Dole says Cape-Mike is a punk-ass liberal creampuff."
JOEL: Bob Dole? You sure have a lot of cameos here.
PSYCHE: You ain't seen nothing yet.
"Eeeeeeeeeh!"
"Nein!"
TOM: Okay, who was that?
PSYCHE: Well, I don't know, but one of them is Gunther, the Naked German
Guy.
CROW: He's naked? Cool!
"Hey! Don't talk about my Mommy's boyfriend like that!" Chibi-Ice-Blade yelled before kicking Bob Dole in the shins.
Chibi-Farix
<Joel and the bots have to calm a foaming Psyche at the mention
of the name.>
and Chibi-Jendra were both there and they sweatdropped as they passed
the fighting sidekicks. "Jeez, why are we even here?"
TOM: Well, a long, long time ago, all the matter in the universe exploded,
and-
"To show support for a fellow faction member," Chibi-Jendra replied.
"And besides, there's free food and a huge party afterwards.
TOM: Oh.
"Well I still say I'm the leader."
"Actually, since the Usagi-chanians are a sub-faction of the Lunarians,*I* would be the leader."
"Leader my ____! We outnumber you three to one not counting that guy
who doesn't spell or grammer-check his posts!! So you'd be a sub-faction
of US!"
JOEL: Pot. Kettle. Black.
PSYCHE: Trust me, the real Farix's posts are worse.
<I could go on like this forever but I won't scene switch>
TOM: The hell?
CROW: That made absolutely no sense.
The wedding began with Chibi-endra skipping down the aisle as the flower girl. Aside from Chibi-Jen 'accidentally' throwing flower petals in Farix's face, everything was going as planned.
Next, Jinx, Kaoru, and Uuchan took their places as bridesmaids. Although
Jessica was looking rather irked to have been left out.
JOEL: Is she trying to see how many names she can fit in a paragraph?
TOM: It might help if we knew WHO THESE PEOPLE WERE!
PSYCHE: Joel, I think his head's going to explode again
The band started playing the wedding march, making just about everyone there try not to laugh when they all realized what it was being played on.
"Kazoos?" Cape-Mike whispered to the Timekeeper under his breath.
"Organs are really expensive."
PSYCHE: Mulder, do you know how much the human body is worth?
CROW: It depends on the body.
JOEL: Crow-
TOM: No, it's okay, that's a real quote.
The crowd began to talk amongst themselves as the kazoo band finished
the wedding march and Sailor Ice Blade hadn't showed up. Instead of repeating
the song, they instead began to play ominous background music. Which, I
might add, sounded really silly when played on kazoos.
JOEL: Doesn't everything?
<Auntie Ophelia tied to the mast scene switch>
Sailor Ice Blade was still on the back on the Io in the holodeck. She
was looking at the stars and absentmindedly spinning her ring on her her
finger[2].
TOM: Hula hoop!
"What are you still doing here?" Anna asked her Character as she entered
the holodeck. "Hey, nice program."
CROW: Hey, nice pants!
"Isn't it?" She sighed pensively. "I just don't know if I can go through with this."
"What? Why not!! Je pense que tu as froid dans les pieds...[3]"
"It's just so... well... permanent."
TOM: Nah, you can just kill him after the wedding!
JOEL: A little dark today, Tom?
"What. You want to try to tell me that you think you could live your life without him?"
"Well, I..."
"Don't interrupt. Remember when Cape-Mike went off tho fight Chaos all
by himself. Wait... of course you do, you were there. ANYWAYS... You were
a mess with a capitol M. You couldn't even think strait."
PSYCHE: And you, apparently, can't write straight.
"Anna, I..."
"I told you not to interrupt. I'm on a roll. And what about Cape-Mike? He feels the same way. I mean, look what happened to him when you dumped him. Sure it wasn't your fault, but I still don't think Sprite could walk strait for days after that."
"But, Anna..."
"How many times do I have to tell you not to interrupt? Now come ON.
I'm your Author and I say you're getting married whether you like it or
not."
TOM: But I don't want any of that, Father! I just want to sing!
"But I want to!"
"Oh. Well, why didn't you say so?"
She just gave her Author a dark look and sweatdropped. Then she smiled. "Thank you. For everything. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a wedding to attend. MINE!"
<Chibi-Farix pulling Chibi-Jen's hair scene switch>
Cape-Mike was sitting in the grass a couple minutes later, looking rather
dejected. The Timekeeper was trying to cheer him up, but with no effect.
*What did I do* he thought.
PSYCHE: Who?
JOEL: I don't know.
ALL: THIRD BASE!
"Hey, she's dumped him TWICE," SuperSteve yelled, causing the OSDF and
a couple other weenies like Rooks to laugh.
TOM: Weenies? They're little hot dogs?
CROW: No, they're squids on sticks.
PSYCHE: Don't even start!
Raven had gotten bored and was busy trying to solve his Rubix Cube while he waited. And Rooks had perked up a little at the thought that they all might be spared...
"Eek! Wait!" Ice Blade shouted as she ran up to joing CM. "Sorry I'm
late. Miss me?"
CROW: Yeah. Hold still and let me try that shot again, okay?
Rabbi Tucker just shrugged. "Whatever. Since we've all waited long enough
I'll make this as short as possible.
PSYCHE: The short, short version!
Cape-Mike, do you take Sailor Ice Blade to be your lawfully wedded wife as long as you both shall live?"
"I do."
"Sailor Ice Blade, do you take Cape-Mike to be your lawfully wedded husband as long as you both shall live?"
"I do."
"I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."
As they started to kiss, the OSDF started to talk amongst themselves again and, all that the same, the started chucking ham cubes at the two lovebirds.[4]
Sailor Ice Blade broke off the kiss to glare at them. But something
caught her eye, her Author sitting behind them looking very sad. And...
was she crying? Anna realized she was being watched and shook her head,
smiling wistfully. She just shrugged and ran with CM down the aisle, showered
by rice and... ham cubes. The reception was going to be one BIG party.
TOM: Unfortunately, SuperSteve spiked the punch, a nasty fight broke
out between Cape-Mike and Rubious, and the whole thing went downhill from
there.
Anna hung back as everyone went over to the next hill where the party was to be held. *I hope those two know how lucky they are to have eachother* With that somewhat sad thought she disappeared. She had tests in Biology, English, AND Geometry to study for.[5]
<Chibi-Chibi custody battle scene switch>
CROW: You mean- more than one person WANTS her? <shudders>
The party was already underway. Someone had commandeered the big-ass speakers from the last huge party on the Io's last party and now they had some music going.
Cape-Mike was chasing Ice Blade, after instead of feeding him his piece of cake[6] she had smeared it all over his face. "Come back here!"
"You'll never catch me!"
"Oh yes I will!"
TOM: Yeah, they're married.
Chibi-Faix contrived to 'accidentally' trip Ice Blade as she streaked by and she went sprawling on the grass. Cape-Mike used this to her advantage as he pinned her to the ground and began smearing cake in her hair. "Take that!"
"You guys are sick," Neo-Ami said as she stepped over them to get to the pop.
Chibi-Ice-Blade was at the other end of the party, trying to drive a
sign into the ground.
PSYCHE: The sign! The seventh sign is upon us!
TOM: Which means we missed our exit.
"Jocko! Gimme some help here!"
"Eeeeeeeeh!"
The two managed to get the sign up like Anna had instructed and Chibi-Ice-Blade wandered off to see if there were any Pixi Stix left. Jocko went back to his deep philisophical discussion with Gunther.
"Eeeeeeeh!"
"Nein!"
"Eeeeeeeh!"
"Nein!"
TOM: Rabbit Season!
CROW: Duck Season!
PSYCHE: Come on guys, everybody knows it's baseball season.
JOEL: That joke has to be forty years old.
IN LOVING MEMORY OF
SPRITE AND SAILOR JEWELLE
NOT TO MENTION MIMI, NIGHTMAN
BELIAL, AND THE HAPPY HINDU
WE ALL MISS YOU [7]
TOM: Is this what the sign says?
<All leave theater.>
Crow looked slightly shaken. "You know, I don't think I wanna be a Makochanian
anymore. Are there any other factions that specialize in mass destruction?"
Psyche nodded. "Sure, Crow. The OSDF like to break stuff. Why don't
you be a Hotaruchanian? She's the most powerful destructive Senshi there
is."
"Okay! What do I need?"
"Well, some sort of glaive would be good. They were all over the Wars
a while back."
"Like this?" From somewhere in the pile of stuff that he had brought
to the bridge, Crow pulled out a beautifully crafted glaive. Joel and Psyche
sweatdropped.
"Crow," Joel asked carefully, "where did that come from?" Then he stopped
and shook his head. "Never mind. Forget I asked. I don't even want to know."
Suddenly the screen from Deep 13 lit up. "So, Jolly Joel, is your will
broken yet?"
"Not really, sir. But Crow seems to have found his calling as a Hotaruchanian."
"Hmph. Sailor Saturn? That little wimp?"
"Wimp!" Crow yelled. "Nobody calls my Senshi a wimp and gets away with
it." The others backed away from him quickly as he pointed his glaive (held
in his beak, since his arms don't work) at the screen. Once it was aimed,
he let it go and yelled, "Death Reebok Revolution!"
For a second, nothing happened in Deep 13. Then a mountain of Sailor
Saturn-decaled shoes rained down out of nowhere, burying Dr. Forrester
beneath them. The evil scientist dug himself out sputtering. "Oh, you're
going to pay for that!"
Suddenly there was a flash of teleportation, and two forms appeared
in Deep 13. They turned out to be Cape-Mike and Sailor Ice Blade, both
looking most unhappy.
"For making fun of our wedding, we won't forgive you!" SIB growled,
pointing at Dr. F.
"In the name of Makochan- and Usagi, we'll MAIM you!" Cape-Mike added,
brandishing the Four of Doom. As they advanced on Dr. Forrester, he backed
away, throwing shoes at them to defend himself. One hit the button, turning
off the post.
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MST3K belongs to Best Brains, not me. This post MiSTied with the express
permission of Michael Stancel, AKA Cape-Mike. No nastiness was intended,
and it was all in good fun. The "Death Reebok Revolution" is not intended
as a slur on Sailor Saturn, whom I think is pretty cool. It's just a really
bad pun. As always, I'd love feedback. Mail me at tbrand@wvu.edu. Thanks.