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Author: Hello, and welcome to the RGB Symphony's presentation of the musical classic, "Peter and the Roach." With our symphony orchestra, we hope to tell the story using music, and some narration, of course.
Peter: Hey, that's not a symphony orchestra! That's Tahiti with new instruments!
Author: Look, we're running low on cash, all right? Sheesh... Ahem. Anyway, in our story, various instruments will represent the characters. Peter will be represented by the violin.
"Ghostbusters" theme is heard, played by violin.
Peter: Ah, the violin. Because they're so romantic, and carry the orchestra, right?
Author: Actually, it's because they're screechy and hard to handle, but demand most of the attention.
Other Ghostbusters: Ouch.
Author: Next, Dr. Egon Spengler, voiced by the bassoon.
GB theme on bassoon.
Egon: Bassoon?
Author: You're a bass, so it was that or the tuba. Want to switch?
Egon: Uh, no, the bassoon will be fine.
Author: The part of Ray Stantz will be played by the sprightly flute.
Theme on flute.
Ray: Wow!
Author: Who knew he'd say that? And finally, Winston Zeddemore, represented by the saxophone.
Sax plays.
Winston: One Clinton joke, and you're history, Pete.
Peter: The thought never crossed my mind, Zed.
Author: And the Roach will be represented by the pipe organ.
All: PIPE ORGAN!
Author: Our story begins in the firehall, one fine spring day.
GB theme for saxophone, violin, bassoon and flute, as the music lovers in the audience cringe.
Author: Egon was upstairs in his lab, Ray was downstairs in HIS lab, Winston was working on Ecto-1, and Peter was lounging on the couch, watching TV. Suddenly, he heard something odd.
Peter: Gee, I seem to be hearing the ominous strains of a Ray Parker Jr. song, only played on a pipe organ. How strange.
Author: A little less sarcasm, please, unless you want this story to become "Peter, the Roach, and Tolay."
Peter: You wouldn't.
Author: Two words, Venkman. "Smarm writer."
Peter: Message received!
Author: Turning from his television set, Peter beheld one of his worst nightmares-- a cockroach even bigger than Geraldo Rivera!
Peter: AUUUUUUUUUUGH!
Author: The Roach swiped Peter's beer and skittered out of the TV room, leaving Peter to fume.
Peter: Bad enough we have a giant cockroach in the building, but it STOLE MY MOLSON! GUYS!
Author: The Ghostbusters gathered in the TV room, where Peter quickly explained the situation.
Winston: Now wait a minute. How could Ray and I miss a cockroach the size of a taxicab when we were coming up the stairs?
Author: It's called plot convenience.
Winston: Oh.
Peter: Now listen up, troops. We have a giant beer-stealing cockroach loose in the firehall. We've got to find it before it cleans out the refrigerator.
Ray: Yeah, Peter, that's your job.
Peter: Don't quit your day job, Stantz. In the grand and very stupid tradition of such searches, we'll split up and find the roach. Grab your packs and let's go!
Author: Winston was assigned to search the ground floor. After poking around back in Peter's office, and checking under Ecto, he was about to declare the ground floor clearwhen he heard a skittering sound from inside his locker.
Winston: What is this? You Can't Do That on Television?
Author: Despite his editorial comments, Winston moved stealthily to his locker and threw open the door, thrower ready to blast the large insect inside. Instead, a hand shot out of the locker, pulling the startled man inside. The door shut behind him.
Concerned mutters from audience
Author: Don't worry, folks, it's not the cockroach. Winston's invisible girlfriend, the one who never appears on the show, just caught up with him. He'll be perfectly fine, although Peter may be a bit miffed at him.
Saxophone plays a love theme.
Author: Meanwhile, in the rest of the firehouse, the roach was popping up and causing trouble. It hit Peter over the head with a chair, almost turned the extra proton pack on Ray, and caused Egon to be buried in an avalanche of his own Twinkies.
Bassoon plays a love theme.
Egon: You're not amusing, you know.
Author: Says you. Finally, the three Ghostbusters cornered the creature, and in a pitched battle-- Oh, wait. Apparently this scene is too graphic to describe. Let's just say they were cleaning up the kitchen for a LONG time.
Ghostbusters: EWWWW!
Author: And so, the Ghostbusters made the world safe from giant cockroaches everywhere, with the exception of the ones in local, state, and federal politics.
Peter: Hey, no editorializing!
Egon: That was perhaps the most humiliating experience of my life.
Winston: Hey, I kind of enjoyed it.
Ray: Yeah, you would. GET HIM!
Sounds of fighting fade into the distance.