|
|
(The scene opens on a movie theater, the seats full of movie-goers and
their parents. Up on the screen comes the words "Turbo: A Power Rangers
Movie is rated PG." A mother in the audience stands up, taking her daughter
by the hand.)
MOTHER: Come on, honey, this is too violent for you to see. "Bambi"
is playing in the theater next door. Let's go see that.
(Exit mother, dragging little girl by the hand.)
GIRL: (Protesting) But Mom! Doesn't Bambi's mother get shot?
(That over with, the movie begins. Tommy, Rocky, and Adam are preparing
for a karate competition.)
ADAM: Tell me again, Tommy, why we're having this karate competition
to save the shelter?
TOMMY: Because people will pay to see us fight. Besides, we can't have
something as violent as a karate competion without some sort of charitable
purpose. It's in Saban's code.
ROCKY: Since I have to leave in this movie, and we've done the "goodwill
ambassadors" thing to death on the show, I have to get hurt. But, since
we're not allowed to show real violence, I can't get beaten up by a villain.
I guess I have to bobble a karate kick a green belt could master and land
on my back. Here goes!
(Rocky bobbles the kick, lands on his back, and is wheeled offscreen
just as Kat, Tanya, and Justin, an 11-year old in predominantly blue clothing
enter.)
JUSTIN: Rocky! (runs to Rocky's side)
ROCKY: It's okay, Justin. Even though I've landed on my back and have
incurred an injury that would require months of therapy in real life, by
the end of the movie, I'll be up and on my feet.
JUSTIN: That's not it. I was going to ask if I could have your wardrobe.
ROCKY: D'oh! (He's wheeled off.)
(Scene changes to Divatox's sub. Divatox walks in, followed by her lunkheaded
assistants Rygog and Elgar.)
DIVATOX: You idiots! You let the wizard Lerigot get away! Now he's
gone to Earth to get the help of Zordon, and I'll never get his golden
key! Without it, I'll never be able to free Maligore, my fiance, and rule
the world!
ELGAR: Wow, that's a lot of exposition in one sentence!
RYGOG: Why don't you just get a job as a presidential advisor?
DIVATOX: Because I'm a villain. I do things in violent, socially unacceptable
ways.
ELGAR & RYGOG: Oh.
DIVATOX: Take this thing to Earth. There, we'll retrieve Lerigot, capture
two humans of purity and strength for wedding presents to Maligore, and
head through the Nemesis Triangle.
RYGOR: Yes, ma'am!
(The sub takes off for Earth.)
(Scene changes to Power Chamber, where all four of the remaining Rangers
are standing looking up at Zordon.)
ZORDON: Rangers, a wizard named Lerigot has come to Earth. Tommy, Kat,
take these Power Boxes which have never appeared before on the show, will
never appear again, and serve no useful purpose, and find him.
TOMMY & KAT: Right.
(Putting on the Power Boxes, they teleport out to Africa.)
TOMMY: The tracking device says he's this way.
(They walk in the direction the box says.)
KAT: I'm so tired, Tommy. Can I sit and rest for a minute?
TOMMY: Sure.
(They sit down, and a large python lowers itself from the tree onto
Kat.)
TOMMY: Don't move.
KAT: Why?
TOMMY: Because the scriptwriter wanted to throw in a gratutious Indiana
Jones and the Temple of Doom reference.
KAT: Speaking of violent.
TOMMY: On the count of three, get ready to jump. One, two, three!
(Kat takes his hand and jumps away from the snake. Unfortunately, she
goes too far and falls over the edge of a convenient cliff. While she hangs
there, Tommy wrestles with the python, which, forgetting it's a constrictor,
tries to bite him. Meanwhile, the branch Kat's hanging on begins to break.
She tries to morph, but falls and hits the water before she can complete
the sequence.)
TOMMY: Kat!
(Throwing himself off the cliff after her, he does a beautiful half
gainer and smacks into the water just behind her. After both are buffeted
around by the water, he manages to grab her and drag her to shore.)
KAT: What was all that about?
TOMMY: The parents wanted less violence, but the kids want action.
This is Saban's compromise.
KAT: I cut my leg.
TOMMY: I'll put a splint on it, despite the fact that a splint is no
good against a cut. It'll show off my natural boy scout qualities.
(With Kat's arm around his neck, Tommy continues to search for Lerigot.
They find him and he heals Kat's leg, and they are all teleported back
to the Power Chamber.)
(Scene changes to Power Chamber. The Rangers are all clustered around
the medical bed where Lerigot is lying. Divatox is on the viewing globe
making threats.)
DIVATOX: So if you don't give me the wizard, not only will I kill his
family, I'll destroy two of your ex-Rangers.
(Globe shows Jason and Kimberly, looking for an escape route.)
ADAM: What do we do?
TOMMY: The stupidest thing possible. We take Lerigot out and try to
do a rescue, even though we know we're going to get double-crossed.
TANYA: Why?
TOMMY: Because we're heroes. It's what we do.
(Scene changes to a beach. Lerigot ditches the Rangers and gives himself up, resulting in the usual double-cross. Tommy attempts to save the two hostages, only to find that they are rubber dummies in wetsuits. Adam hauls him back to shore and they all teleport to the Power Chamber.)
ZORDON: In order to catch up with Divatox, you will need new powers.
Behold, your new Turbo Zords!
TANYA: They're ordinary cars.
ZORDON: No, they are not. They are Turbo Zords.
ADAM: What can they do?
ZORDON: (slightly embarrassed) Well, they can go real fast and form
a big robot that can beat up on monsters.
TOMMY: That's it? No firepower, no weapons? What are we supposed to
do, honk Divatox into submission?
ZORDON: Hey, I just read the lines, I don't write 'em. You have a problem,
take it up with the writers.
KAT: They're so paranoid about parents throwing a fit about all the
"violence" on the program that they can barely have us raise our voices!
ADAM: If I ever get my hands on the scriptwriters, they're gonna see
violence. They've got me driving a stupid minivan!
TANYA: Getting back to the plot, how do we get to the Nemesis Triangle?
ZORDON: Drive across the desert to the ocean. You will find a dock
that will take you to a ghost galleon. It and the Zords are totally undetectable
by Divatox's scanners.
TOMMY: Let's go.
(Scene changes to Turbo Zords driving through Angel Grove, heading for
the desert. They pass a house where two little boys are playing. A man
comes out of the house.)
MAN: What are you kids doing?
BOY 1: We're playing Power Rangers, Daddy.
MAN: Really? That's pretty violent. I don't know why you kids can't
play nice games, like I did when I was a kid.
BOY 2: What did you play?
MAN: Cowboys and Indians.
(Zords drive across desert and pull up to dock. Scene shifts to Power
Chamber. Zordon is lecturing a person in a blue Turbo Ranger costume. We
can only see his body from the waist down.)
ZORDON: As the newest Power Ranger, you must listen to the others in
battle, and follow their lead. Now take the Mountain Blaster and try not
to run anyone over. The other Rangers are already far ahead of you.
(Scene changes to dock. Mountain Blaster, a large blue 4x4, pulls up
to the dock.)
ADAM: Rocky?
(Feet come out of car, camera pans up and- it's Justin.)
TANYA: Justin?
JUSTIN: I'm the new Blue Ranger! Rocky couldn't make it, so he sent
me.
ADAM: Wait a minute. Rocky's injured, so instead of choosing any of
the huge numbers of people that we know who would be worthy of this, Rocky
sent an eleven year old kid into what is practically a war zone?
TOMMY: Why not? No violence, remember? We can talk about this later.
Right now, let's get our stuff on board the ship.
(Rangers drive Zords onto Galleon- don't ask me how- and explore. They
find lots of skeletons, but no ghosts. They also find a box with five keyholes.
Someone figures out that they have to use the five Turbokeys to start the
ship. They do and the thing starts moving on its own.)
(Scene: Late night in the middle of the Pacific(?). Justin is deep in
thought, looking over the railing of the ship. Kat comes up to talk to
him.)
KAT: Justin, what's the matter?
JUSTIN: Nothing. I was just thinking how proud my dad would be if he
knew. After my mom died, he just kind of lost something. He put the school
up for sale, dropped me at the home, and I haven't seen him for a while.
KAT: Why are you telling me all this?
JUSTIN: I have to explain why, in super-perfect Angel Grove, my parents
don't wonder where I am, why I'm in this movie at all, and why I can actually
fight. Plus, you're supposed to feel sorry for me. I'm too young to appeal
on the testosterone factor, so I have to look pathetic.
KAT: Oh.
(She goes below decks. He stays up there, musing on what has happened.
Suddenly, a Putrapod, a monster sent by Divatox, climbs up onto the ship.
Zordon forgot to tell them that, although the SHIP can't be detected, they
can. Justin sees the Putrapod- which looks like the snapping turtle from
Ninja Turtles 2- and spin kicks it. The noise draws the other Rangers up
on deck, more Putrapods appear, and a fight scene begins.)
TANYA: Finally! A fight scene.
TOMMY: It's about time. We're an hour into the stupid movie!
ADAM: Less violence, remember?
(The Rangers defeat the Putrapods- of course- and go downstairs to
sleep.)
(Scene changes to the hold of Divatox's sub. Kimberly and Jason are
trying to make weapons to escape, and doing extremely poorly.)
JASON: Kim, I have an idea. Instead of trying to make weapons, maybe
we should be trying to get the cover off this hatch.
KIM: Jason, I hate to tell you this, but there's about a thousand feet
of water out there.
JASON: That's why we wait until my dive computer says we're only a
hundred feet down.
KIM: We'd have better luck fighting our way out.
JASON: We can't. Too violent, remember? Besides, we won't drown. We're
the good guys.
(They attempt to escape, but it screws up as they begin to pass through
the Nemesis Triangle. It's a big wall of black computer graphics and basically
knocks people around. By the time they're through, the hold is almost completely
flooded. Kimberly escapes, but Divatox shuts the hold before Jason can
get out. The guards haul him up to the control room, dressing him in a
strange black robe, probably because he's soaking wet.)
JASON: (looking down at himself.) I look like the Emperor from Return
of the Jedi.
ELGAR: Now that was a violent movie!
JASON: Yeah, and how many people took their kids to see that?
(Nervous coughs from the audience.)
(Scene changes to a beach. Kimberly has just washed up and finds herself
surrounded by natives with spears. They march her off into the jungle.
Meanwhile, the ghost ship that the Rangers are on gets sunk by Divatox,
but the cars make out all right, driving out on the water. Jason, being
hustled along by Divatox's goons, runs into Kimberly, being hustled along
by the natives. Some slight of hand scares the natives into working for
Divatox, and the whole group heads off to Maligore's temple. The Power
Rangers follow, stopping not too far from the temple.)
TOMMY: We'll do better if we leave the Zords behind. We can approach
more stealthily on foot.
KAT: Yeah, not to mention that the cars wouldn't fit in the temple.
TOMMY: Shift into Turbo!
(In a flash and some really cool computer graphics, the five morph
into the Power Rangers Turbo, with even cheesier looking costumes. In addition,
Justin has grown to the same size as the other Rangers.)
JUSTIN: Cool! This is better than steroids!
TOMMY: C'mon, let's go!
(The Rangers head off and find a cave. Sneaking in, they find Jason
and Kimberly handcuffed together, about to be lowered into a pit.)
TOMMY: Who is that? (pointing at Divatox)
KIM: Rangers, this is Divatox. Divatox, this is your worst nightmare.
DIVATOX: (unimpressed.) Drop 'em.
(Elgar pulls the lever, causing the chain to lower slowly.)
TOMMY: We've got to stop it!
JUSTIN: Cover me! I'll get the chain!
(Throws himself toward the reel, taking Elgar by surprise. Large-scale
fight ensues, Rangers versus monsters and natives. Unfortunately, Justin
doesn't manage to get to the reel before Jason and Kimberly are lowered
into the pit, which turns out to contain a volcano. [Don't ask.] Suddenly,
there's a flash and Jason and Kimberly are standing up at the top of the
pit. Their eyes are blood-red, and they don't look happy. Snapping the
chains on their wrists, they start attacking the Rangers.)
JUSTIN: Whoa! You need some serious Visine!
(Jason and Kimberly, despite the lack of powers, rip through the Rangers
with ease, knocking them every which way.)
KAT: How come you can kick all our butts, when we're morphed and you're
not? You were never this good before.
KIM: We're villains now. We're allowed to be violent.
KAT: But you're one of us!
KIM: Pink is out. (Hits her very hard.)
(Tommy, hoping to snap her out of it, rips off his helmet.)
TOMMY: Kimberly! (She stops.) It's me, Tommy. Come on, you have to
remember.
(She pauses, as if he's getting through to her, but Jason grabs him
from behind and they start fighting each other. Jason gets Tommy in a choke
hold and is getting ready to throw him into the pit. Suddenly, a woman
with a clipboard pops up out of nowhere, clicking her tongue.)
CENSOR LADY: Tsk, tsk, tsk. This is far too violent, especially for
a movie for children. Certainly there's a better way to resolve your conflicts
than fighting.
(Tommy and Jason look at each other, and in unison kick the censor
lady into the pit. Then they go back to trying to kill each other.)
JASON: You're mine now! I have the power, and I'm gonna use it!
TOMMY: But you're not using your brainpower, Jase.
(Using the absurd amount of leverage Jason's position generates, Tommy
flips his opponent into the pit, catching him as he falls.)
TOMMY: I can't hold him! Come on, Jase, give me your other hand! Think
of all the good things you've done! You're not evil.
(Lerigot suddenly extends a hand, zapping Kimberly with some strange
energy. Suddenly, she's good again.)
KIM: I'm coming, Tommy! (She runs to Tommy's side and helps him pull
Jason up.)
(Fight continues. Kat picks up Tommy's helmet and hands it to him.)
KAT: Here, you might need this.
TOMMY: Thanks. Back to action!
(Slams helmet back on. Fight goes on. Jason is walking through fight,
eyes still red. Lerigot zaps him and he's back to normal. He hits a villain
who is about to attack Kim, and together they get Lerigot out of the temple.)
ELGAR: The humans are turning pure again. That's it, you'll never get
Maligore out now!
DIVATOX: Sure I will.
ELGAR: But we don't have a sacrifice.
(Divatox pushes him into the pit. In a flash, Maligore, a big guy made
out of lava, is free. The Rangers attack him and get wasted.)
TOMMY: Retreat! Lure him outside! Then we can call on the Zords.
(The Rangers run outside and Maligore follows, growing to Godzilla-type
proportions.)
RANGERS: We need Turbozord power, now!
(The Zords come together, forming the Turbo Megazord, a big robot in
a football helmet. The Rangers get inside. Maligore hits them, they call
on the Turbo Sword, and hit him once. He blows up.)
ADAM: That's it? We fight longer than that on the show! That was the
last fight of the movie and it was fifteen minutes long.
TANYA: Hey, you know what they wanted. Less violence.
(Scene changes to the competition. Jason, Tommy, and Adam are beating
up on the poor Stone Canyon Karate team, who, being given the black gis,
knew they never had a chance. Rocky, looking none the worse for wear after
his ordeal, cheers them on. They win, and Jason holds up the check while
Tommy hugs Kat and Adam hugs Tanya. In the background, a woman who works
at the shelter is talking to two little girls.)
WOMAN: What do you girls want to do when we get back to the shelter?
GIRL 1: We wanna play Power Rangers!
WOMAN: Oh, no, that's far too violent. How about I read you a story?
Maybe Hansel and Gretel?
GIRL 2: Don't they burn up the witch?
(Fade to black.)
(The lights go up, and the parents stream out of the theater, complaining
about the lack of plot and cheesy special effects. The Billy brigade complains
about the lack of David Yost, and the Amy Jo Johnson fanclub gripes that
the shot of her butt wasn't long enough. There's just no pleasing some
people. Soon, the only person left in the theater is Gene Siskel, getting
ready to write his column for TV Guide.)
SISKEL: That was awful. No plot, bad acting, and lousy effects. And
that's the show! The movie was even worse! To make matters worse, it was
so violent! What happened to the wonderful children's television of yesteryear?
(Suddenly, an anvil falls out of the sky, smashing Siskel flat. We
see, standing behind him, Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Porky Pig.)
PORKY: Th-th-that's all, folks.
(Cartoon swoop ending.)