|
|
I can't do this anymore. Not that it hasn't been a wonderful ride, though. I don't care what people say about him, he's sweet, and caring, and a wonderful person to be around. It's over, though, and it's not his fault.
It's mine, I know. I feel completely awful about it, but it doesn't change things. I can't live like this. I've never thought of myself as a jealous person, but my ideal relationship would have me coming squarely first in the guy's life. In real life, you have to make some compromises.
But I'm not used to coming in sixth.
That's right, I said sixth. Slots one through four are squarely occupied by his friends. Don't get me wrong; I'm not the type of girl who begrudges her boyfriend a night out with the guys. Sometimes I even go along. But these guys aren't like any friends I've ever met. They're closer to brothers. And the secretary, she's pretty much his little sister. They certainly fight that way, anyway.
If that had been all, I might have learned to live with it. Hey, I like his friends. They're nice, even if they're not quite what I'm used to. Last time I was over there, I spent twenty minutes discussing Tolstoy because Peter had an unexpected need to wash his shirt. I had a pretty good time, too.
In time, I could have learned to care about his friends almost as much as he does. Nobody could equal that kind of bond, of course. They're family. But I think I could have accepted that, at least.
It's number five that I can't handle. More than he loves me, he loves the job. He needs it the way most people need to breathe. Part of it's the company, of course. I know he'd give up the job in a heartbeat if it ever came down to the job or his friends. But it's so much more than that. He needs the excitement, the danger, the anticipation of always something new... and he needs to be a hero. That's something I'm not sure he even admits to himself.
I never thought of myself as jealous, but I guess I am. Every time he has to skip out early because of a major bust, I feel a little bit slighted. Every time one of the guys calls to say that Peter's not going to be able to pick me up, I feel ignored. I know the world's more important than my hurt feelings, but I can't seem to be able to stop myself. Besides, I hate hospitals. And half the time, that's where I see him.
I feel like a complete rat. I'm not the first woman to do this to him, and he really doesn't deserve it. Sure, all the scandal sheets make it sound like he's the one breaking off the relationships, but I know better. This one's looking for True Love, ladies, even if he doesn't know it himself. And every time he misses it, it cuts a little deeper.
He's here. Oh, God, he's gorgeous... I'm not sure I can do this. Great, one look at him and I'm already having second thoughts. Deep breath, Maryanne. Suck it up, and do what you have to do. Here he comes.
"Peter... we need to talk."